Unbrave

I am so unbrave. Some days, (no all days), I want to feel brave and confident and sure of our decision. I desperately want to feel hopeful, but there is little of that left. Unlike the author of this article, nothing new is happening in our adoption and we don't know if it ever will. And that my friends is where trust comes in...and trusting that whatever the circumstances are, that they are for the good of those who love Him. I truly hope this whole four years of waiting turns out in a way that I can feel confident that God is in control and knows the desires of my heart and wants to give good gifts to his children...but right now, all of those things seem so distant and so faint that I am afraid the glimmer of hope is fading quickly and it is all but extinguished. And when I am left at the end of this standing with empty arms and a broken heart, what is left of hope? But the risk that is so big, that is because of this hope, is a risk that I have to take because if I don't I cannot live...

"When you’ve got a big enough hope in your heart — you’re willing to risk being told you’re not enough.

I licked and sealed what felt like a hundred believing envelopes.

There’s some risks you have got to take because it turns out you can’t live not taking them. You can't live with dreams drying up inside you like some dying and parched riverbed. You can’t expect to keep breathing if you aren’t breathing in hope....You clearly not being enough  —- is what makes the enoughness of God most clearly seen....Even when you’re afraid of not being enough — God’s making everything into make more than enough grace. You only have to keep believing — and keep stepping out unbrave."

Check out the rest of Ann VosCamps's post to see what else she had to say about their process. 

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2016/03/when-you-dont-feel-enough-our-year-long-story-and-a-new-chapter-coming/

Love > fear

We are still waiting. But so many things have happened in the last month that really have shaken us to the core. Our adoption agent, with whom I have had a relationship with for almost three years suddenly resigned from her position. To say that I was shocked is an understatement.  I know how much she loved her job and how much of herself she put into her job. Here we are over three years in, not much has happened in almost two years. The one person who knew our whole story is gone without much closure. My heart was/is grieving for her loss. I know how much she must be feeling and I am so heartbroken for her.

This whole situation caused us to reevaluate. Will we continue with this agency even though the person taking her place won't be experienced in the country? Will we continue to wait on siblings even if taking a referral for one child would move quicker? Will we stay with this program or change countries?

The interesting thing about answering every single one of these questions is, what has the Lord told us about each of these things and what is the motivation for us feeling one way or another...is love or fear driving the response to each thing?

We have had many things spoken into our lives by many different people over the last 3+ years. All things that have confirmed that we are walking in what the Lord wants for our family. We don't believe for a second that that will always be easy or even ever easy. We are staying the course because we know what each person independent of another has told us.

So as of now, even though fear is saying change agencies because they have no experience, we are going to stay the course. We will continue to wait on siblings because even though the fear would be that we may never be matched to siblings, love says those siblings deserve a family and we will continue to wait on what the Lord called our family to. Finally, we will stay with the country we started with because God has connected our hearts there in ways that I never could have imagined. I never could have dreamt of the love I have for a country so far from home, on a continent I never wanted to travel to (because of fear, not love). So as time goes on and we become more vulnerable to the possibility that this adoption never actually happening, we lean even harder on the One who softened hearts, altered our plans, and changed our minds. What once was an infant adoption, now an international wait...